Adults

Written by Thena Smith

I Meant To Clean But...

I really meant to clean today
But the time just slipped away
For there was just so much to do
I started but I didn't get through.

The vacuum cleaner wouldn't work
And when I gave the cord a j e r k
It came right out of the socket
Taking off like a Hoover rocket!

And then the Queen of England called
To find out about tea today
I told her that I had to clean...
I really couldn't play.

A movie star stopped by to check on me
And I had to sign an agent right away
So that if I signed a movie deal
Enough money they would pay.

Then the police deptmartment called
For they needed my expertise
To help them solve some mysteries
Oh, the demands just never ceased!

The neighbors stopped by to thank me
For being a great neighbor to them all
And of course I had to help
Decorate their houses for the fall.

Oh, sigh and sigh and sigh again
I had such a busy day
That's why I didn't have enough time
To clean and put things away.

I Must Be Getting Old

I must be getting really old
Because this morning  someone heard me say
Something about the "young folks"
And how they dress today!

I must be getting really old
Because today I went to Sears
And bought stretchy slacks with elastic waist
Guaranteed to last for years!

I know I'm getting old...
I had my eyes examined and could barely read the chart
I thought the thing upon his wall
Was some kind of modern art!

I know I'm getting old
Because someone heard me say
From now on I'm wearing sneakers
I've thrown all my heels away!

I know I've gotten older
Cause I got a  VIP
Magazine subscription
From the AARP!

Morning Person

I griped and whined and whimpered
For 20 years or more
About how I hated mornings
Ere my feet would touch the floor!

''I'm not a morning person''
Was my theme song every day
As I drank my daily caffeine dose
To keep the shakes away!

I'd get up in the darkness
And prepare to catch that early bus
But all the way to the bus stop
I would grumble, moan and fuss!

But now retirement time has come at last
And I am so totally elated
For I find I am a morning person...
It was just going to work I hated!

My Clothing Shrunk

I awoke to the saddest sight...
All of my clothing shrunk last night!
I hung them in the closet
And then turned out the light
Only to find when I awoke
They had shrunken during the night!

It was the saddest thing to see
All of the things that had fit me
Were now much too tight and clung...
Do you think it was the way they were hung
That caused the shrinking in the night
Or could it have been the lack of light?

This has happened once before
(er..twice...ok three or four)
And I bought new stuff at the store.
And what an ugly surprise...
When I had to buy a larger size!

My slacks and blouses no longer fit
And to make the matter worse
Even my shoes were not immune
The only thing that fit me was my purse!

So I think I will be more careful in the future
Just where I hang my clothes at night
Because if all of this shrinking continues
I will look a sight!!

I hope the scientist will find an answer
As to what causes this awful problem soon
Because I've stored the clothes as evidence
And my closet is running out of room!

My Natural Look

Little jars of moisturizer
Sitting in a row
Lipsticks on the counter
Colors all aglow..

Powder and blushes are ready
Masks are close and hand
Wrinkle removers at attention
Close to my right hand.

Base, concealer, tweezers, pencils
Ah...and my ''Tricks the Stars Use'' book
All necessary to achieve...
My daily ''Natural Look!''

My New Swimsuit

Oh summer time is here at last
And now it's time to swim
I need to buy a swimsuit...
But have you LOOKED at them?

There is no bottom to the suit
There's only just a string
It barely covers up in front
In back ...barely any thing!

The prices are outrageous
And if your spirits sag
You could leave the suit at the store
And cover up with the tag!

I wish I could wear my favorite suit
But I should let you know
Although it is very nice
I've worn a hole in the elbow....

And as if that weren't enough
It's really plain to see
The fabric is worn quite thin
Just below the knee!

Retirement

Yesterday I was working so hard
And at the end of the day
I was exhausted and TIRED.

But today the sun can rise and set
And I can remember
Or I can forget.

I can get up if I've had enough sleep
Or go back to bed
And count some more sheep.

I can get dressed and go out
Or stay in my jammies all day
Clean my house or go out and play.

I can dine on peanut butter and jelly
Or toast and muffins
Or I can buy lunch and cook nuthin'.

Oh, how wonderful just adding a ''RE''
In front of ''Tired''
Can make your world be!!

Size 8... Gone Forever

Today I packed my size 8 dresses
In a big ole box
They will go to the Goodwill Store
There were lots....
I included my size 10 and my fourteens
And all the sizes in between.
And although I hated to
I knew it was something I had to do!

Now size 16's are on the rod
But no more diets for me...
And I'm just going to tell the world
That I'm twice the woman I used to be!!

Thena Smith

Thena Smith needs a nice long nap
To rest up from her day
And after she naps a little while
Thena Smith can go back to play!

Thena Smith needs to sit down and rest
And unbutton her coat and her vest.
Then she can relax and start anew
With all manner of wonderful stuff to do!

Thena Smith needs to go to bed
For Thena has yawns coming out of her head!
Her eyes are glazed over and she's wobbling a bit
And her socks are on crooked...
Don't look like they fit!

Thena Smith needs to say goodnight
While the stars are out
And the moon is bright
So excuse her while she turns out the light....

Thena Smith has gone to bed!

Who Am I?

Yesterday I had a waist...
I wonder where it went
I wore lovely little size 8 dresses...
Now I wear a tent!

Yesterday my shoes were dainty
Delicate with bows and frills
Today I love my tennis shoes
And cringe at the thought of heels!

And only last year I remembered
Without the help of  meds
Where I left my car keys
Now I can hardly find my head!

I laughed and told those old folks jokes
And never thought the day would be
When the old folks jokes they told
Would apply to little ole me!

Would you believe that pantyhose
In sizes guaranteed to please
When bought  by my former size and weight
Won't pull up above my knees??

My memory was once excellent
And though I hate to boast...
Learning was so easy
In school I could just coast!

But now I sit here typing
Near the end of day
And I have no recollection
Of what I meant to say!!!

Wrinkles In My Suit

My favorite suit is getting wrinkled
But the cleaners can not take it.
Would it not help the wrinkles
If I could take it out and shake it?

It is my favorite suit
I've had it all my life
Got it when I was a kid
And now I am a wife.

I tried to take good care of it
And kept it clean and warm
Never left it in the cold
Or unprotected in a storm.

It was in fairly good shape until
I tried to wear it over too much fat
I was afraid that it would tear
Since I formerly had been flat!

I never loan it out to friends
And never mind its outdated style
I've grown so attached to it
Since I had it for quite a while!

Alas, it is showing so much wear
And is beginning to show its age
But I remember when
My suit was all the rage!

I showed it off when I was a kid
But I learned that I should hide it
I was always grateful that
My parents should provide it.

Although it wasn't seen by many
I wore it every day
It isn't the kind of suit
That one puts on display.

It wasn't really an expensive model
Didn't cost a bunch of loot
But I got it for my birthday....
It is my birthday suit!!