Computers

*Authors are unknown, unless otherwise noted.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 

Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the ones in movies.

Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.
~ Frank Capra

A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
~ Douglas Adams

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
~ Mitch Ratcliffe

Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.

Computers follow your orders, not your intentions.

Computers have lots of memory but no imagination.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
~ Andy Rooney 

A customer goes into a computer store and says, "I'm looking for a Mystery-Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging."
"Well," replied the clerk, "have you tried Windows98?"

I do not fear computers. I fear lack of them.
~ Isaac Asimov

If it draws blood, it's hardware.

If there's artificial intelligence, there's bound to be some artificial stupidity.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
~ John C. Dvorak

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.
~ Douglas Adams

Men have become tools of their tools. ~ Henry David Thoreau

Of course machines have feelings. Otherwise, when the washer stops working why would the furnace break down?

One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.
~ Elbert Hubbard

The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back.

RAM disk is not an installation procedure.

The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers.
~ Sydney J. Harris

Someday, the people who know how to use computers will rule over those who don't. And there will be a special name for them...webmistresses. ~ Scott Adams

Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.

Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse at are called software.

Three computer company employees were on a car trip when they had a flat tire. They got out to examine the damage.
The sales rep said, "That's it. We need a new car."
The service rep said, "Wait! Why don't we just switch a few parts around to see if that fixes the problem?"
The software rep said, "No. Let's just turn it off and on to see if that will fix it."

User, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
~ Dave Barry

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Remember When...
A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
a CD was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead.